When committed friends or couples fight, there are two things going on simultaneously with each partner. They have a valid concern or need that they are trying to get across and their concern is often distorted by old emotional allergies and projections that the other person is wrong and therefore at fault. Most of us focus on our point of view and the other person’s distortion in an argument. As most of you know, this approach does not work very well. The Peace Treaty is a constructive healing method to resolve chronic conflict and deepen your loving connection with yourself as well as your partner.

During the honeymoon stage of a relationship, which can last from one day to two years, we admire our partner’s positive qualities, while every void within suddenly feels whole. Smitten, many of us secretly hope we can absorb those qualities through osmosis. I’ve noticed throughout my career that lovers pick partners that will activate every dream, but also every illusion buried within about love. Like a circus funhouse, love provides mirrors so each partner can eventually see their own reflection. It is as if our soul recognizes a worthy partner and love compels us to grow into our full potential.

After emotional commitments are made to each other in a relationship, the working stage begins in earnest. While hiding our illusions and unconscious motivations from polite society is relatively easy, it becomes nearly impossible to do with an intimate partner. Love is the most powerful force in the universe and will reveal any block to its full expression. Sometimes it is difficult to find our saboteurs or realize how our partner mirrors our issues so we can see our reflection. So the deepest part of our psyche picks partners that push buttons. Often the very quality we admired in our partner during the honeymoon stage of a relationship creates great frustration later. By acknowledging and healing our illusions hidden within, we will experience even deeper love and joy.

            The Peace Treaty considers chronic conflict and powerful emotional reactions as opportunities for individual growth. In effect, an emotional crisis can be seen as a way to express and get our deeper needs met, heal our shadow material and strengthen our relationship with our partner. Blaming your partner for triggering these unpleasant emotions prevents you from discovering the opportunity that your anger and/or powerful emotions could be teaching you. Expressing your valid concerns and needs with mindfulness increases your chances for your heart’s desire to be addressed. Transforming a current crisis and making the connection to previous injuries in the past, prevents us from dumping suffering on our partner and activating a matching victim-perpetrator paradigm within our partner. In this way a crisis becomes an opportunity to feel more joy and deepen your connection with your partner.

The Peace Treaty is a tool to help a couple or an individual move from chronic conflict to self-responsibility and deeper bonds. When two people own their emotional baggage, a sovereign sense of love, cooperation and gentleness returns to the relationship. When one loves oneself to pursue their illusions and bring the light of day to your wounded heart, you can truly learn to meet your needs and communicate your heart’s desire to your partner. Mindfulness creates matching energy, which allows everyone to win.


Peace Treaty Steps:


  1. Share what you are angry about or have strong feelings about.
  2. Ask yourself the following questions.
  • How do you see or interpret what your partner is doing?
  • What about this bothers you so much?
  • Have other people in your past treated you this way?
  • How did you feel when these things happened?
  1. Now find the deeper need.
  • What is the deeper positive need, want or desire that is underneath your anger or strong feeling is trying to address?
  • What unmet or discounted need, want or desire in the past is being activated now?
  1. Now use the information as a mirror.
  • What is your history of meeting these same positive needs, wants and desires? Do you treat yourself the same way that you accuse others as well as your partner as doing to you?
  • Do you sabotage yourself around these issues or have unconsciousness beliefs that you don’t deserve to have these needs, wants and desires met?
  • What level of frustration or struggle to you had with yourself around these issues?
  1. Reflect on how you (and your strong emotions) have impacted your partner.
  • Have you been unskillful with your partner around this issue and your emotional response to them now and in the past?
  • Describe the price for yourself and your relationship has paid while these deeper needs, wants and desires were not addressed?
  1. Plan of Action
  • Discuss what you have learned about this issue.
  • Offer a plan as to how you intend to deal with this issue in the future.
  • What would you like to ask from your partner to help you with your issue? 
Allow time for a joint discussion when both partners have completed the Peace Treaty to discuss a plan where they can support each other so everyone’s needs, wants and desires are honored.
  1. Share appreciations with one another.

             This is an advanced conflict resolution model that addresses the underlying illusions that fuel chronic conflict.  When communication breaks down, negotiation fails and small issues become big deals, try using the Peace Treaty.